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Lawmakers Oppose Collard Bill

Plan to Honor Leafy Green Deemed Too Controversial, Gross

Turns out, South Carolinians don’t like their collard greens nearly as much as they say they do. Not only that, the addition of pork actually hurts the noxious green’s image more than it helps—at least in the political arena.

Knotts' imperiled collard bill isn't as 'green' as he says it is, according to opponents

Just a week after the South Carolina Senate passed a measure to make the collard the official state leafy green,  the steaming pot of bitter green funk has been pushed to the back burner by members of the House of Representatives still stewing over what they say is a “stealth tactic” cooked up by the bill’s sponsor, Republican Senator Jakie ‘You Are What You Eat’ Knotts of Lexington.

Critics argue Knotts’ bill is actually just a clever way for the Lexington County glutton to sneak more pork into an already bloated state budget. They also call Knotts’ plan “disingenuous” because the Lexington senator doesn’t even like vegetables.

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South Carolina to Get “SuperFiefdoms”

Android Governor Haley brokers Deal with Overlord Retailer

"We come not so much in peace but in the name of everyday low prices made possible by even lower wages." - Walmart Overlord Mortgoth, speaking through a translator.

This week, South Carolina’s android Governor Nikki Haley reached an unprecedented business agreement with intergalactic feudal mega-corporation Walmart — one analysts say could dramatically alter the state’s economy while hearkening back to a simpler time when Earthlings knew their place and capital was routinely siphoned off by the top .0005% of the population before being sent off-planet.

The ambitious multimillion-dollar deal aims to establish a series of “SuperFiefdoms” across the Palmetto State and was announced Thursday by Haley and Walmart CEO Bill Simon at the new S.C. Farmer’s Market.

According to Simon, the deal will bring 30,000 jobs to the Palmetto State, at least two dozen of them in middle management.

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About-Face: Graham Wants bin Laden Headshot

For One SC Senator, DNA and Army Intel Don’t Cut It

On Wednesday, President Barack Obama announced the decision not to release gory photographs of slain Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, citing fears that to do so could seem like “gloating” and might incite retaliation.

Many Washington insiders, including top military brass and ranking members of the intelligence community, agree.

This is NOT a doctored photo.

“Showing these pictures to the world right now, with tensions as high as they are, would be like if we tortured a suspected terrorist or prisoner of war and pictures of that somehow leaked out,” one loose-lipped but largely uninformed CIA operative told The Bug via email early Thursday morning. “Not only is it in bad taste, it could also really piss some people off.”

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, however, believes the photos of bin Laden’s obliterated face should be released, and stopped just short of calling the President a sissy.

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ATV Riders Face Bumps at Every Turn

Tougher Laws, Higher Gas Prices Put Brakes on Good Times

New ATV legislation upends good family fun in the Palmetto State.

Just when you thought it was safe to strap your toddler on the back of your Yamaha Raptor 250 and race him down a muddy 60-foot embankment with no training, no helmet, no goggles and very little in the way of adult supervision, along come the Big Government killjoys to get in your business.

New legislation banning children five and younger from riding ATVs–and requiring older children to wear a helmet unless they are hunting or are on private property under the direct supervision of a parent or guardian — passed the South Carolina House last week, promising to make this summer something of an off-road bummer for child safety opponents like Scott Balz, of Pelion.

While some in the media and at the Statehouse are calling the new ATV legislation “watered down,” because it doesn’t really protect anybody from anything, Balz believes any legislation is too much legislation—especially if it infringes on his rights as a property owner, loving father and gas-powered outdoorsman.

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Club Laugh

Name: Amy Young

Setting: Outside Group Therapy

Photo and Interview by Nobody Special

What’s the dumbest question I could ask you right now?

‘What are you drinking?’

Scotch and soda, but we’re talking about you. I see you’ve got a Corona.

 It’s cheap and it helps me burp. I had Taco Bell. I’m going with a Mexican theme tonight. Is this going in the paper or something?

Yeah, in the Palmetto Bug. It’s filler for when we run out of news. It’s usually just a bunch of stupid, unrelated questions, one after the other. Your answers can be just as stupid, if you want. Or even stupider.

 Gotcha. Like in Free Times.

Exactly. Have you ever eaten anything on a dare?

Like what? I once ate a really hot chicken wing. It was insane. Does that count?

It doesn’t matter. Sure. Do you like Steely Dan?

 What’s that?

What about Aretha Franklin?

Who?

Are you into anything kinky, like Glen Beck or Innovista or masturbating to the Rant & Rave section?

I love Rant & Rave. That shit’s funny.

Is it as funny as Two and a Half Men?

Funnier.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen?

Two and a Half Men. Or maybe that other one, the cartoon with the guy who has balls for a chin.

Did you finish your sophomore year of high school?

I graduated from the University of South Carolina three years ago. I majored in hospitality and tourism.

That’s not what I asked.

Isn’t it?

Can I see your ID please?

Sorry. I left it in my best friend’s locker.

Is she around?

No, she’s grounded.

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South Carolinians Among Least Lazy

According to a recent survey conducted by New York-based researchers and statisticians at Businessweek.com and reported in today’s Daily Circular, South Carolina is one of the least lazy states in the entire South.

The Palmetto State came in eighth place on a list of ten lazy Southern states that for some reason also included Delaware. Florida, Virginia, Texas and Georgia were for various reasons not considered Southern for the study, which was mistakenly identified as a national study by Businessweek.com.

Alabama, which was included in the study, came in at number nine, indicating that the average Yellowhammer is slightly more active than the average Sandlapper, perhaps because the average Sandlapper suffers from chronic mineral deficiencies.

The study surveyed people over the age of 15 and took into account such factors as time spent watching television, surfing the internet, sleeping, socializing and swatting mosquitos during malaria season. Louisiana, Mississippi and Arkansas were identified as the three laziest states in the South.

“South Carolina should be very proud,” said USC Southern Studies professor Archibald Slocumb III, who credits South Carolina’s success to the “visionaries” who have built so many golf courses here over the past thirty years.

“A quarter century ago we would have been top three, no question,” Slocumb told The Bug during an interview on USC’s Horseshoe as he cooled himself with a collapsible antebellum fan on loan from the Confederate Relic Room. “But golf has made us just active enough to rank eighth without knocking us out of the picture altogether. We did fine, I’d say, just fine.”

Asked why some states were considered Southern and others weren’t, Slocumb also raised a number of good points.

“Florida is all about Disneyworld and displaced New Yorkers, Virginia’s too close to D.C. and Texas, well, it’s like the TV ad used to say: that’s a whole other country.”

And what about Georgia?

“Georgia’s all about Atlanta these days,” said Slocumb, as he sipped from an ice cold Coca-Cola and gently sucked the brine out of a boiled peanut. “They’ve still got the Margaret Mitchell home and some other things, but otherwise they’ve lost touch.”

For the record, South Carolina did rank first in terms of hours spent watching television (3 hours, 7 minutes/day), though Slocumb has an explanation for that, too.

“The TV thing is easy,” he said as he tried unsuccesfully to stand up. “Between the commetary on The Daily Show and that other fella with the crooked ear from down in Charleston, we’re always on it. It’s only natural we’d want to see how we come across.”

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Sullivan’s Serenade: Behind the Ban

The lowcountry beach community of Sullivan’s Island made national headlines this week when town leaders proposed a ban on public singing, whistling, hooting and hollering.

Almost immediately, people began to question the wisdom behind such a ban — and to make merciless fun of what one newscaster called “the wealthy Southern snobs who call the island home.” And indeed, for almost 24 hours it looked like the Palmetto State was at it again, passing moronic laws based on blue blood privilege and limited beach access.

Except, as it turns out, that isn’t what this is about at all.

According to several year-round residents of the island, the law was originally proposed by one of ex-first lady Jenny Sanford’s immediate neighbors who just wanted a little rest.

Evangaline Humphreys says she lost several nights’ sleep last week because “some romantic crooner with a frog in his throat” has been trying to serenade Ms. Sanford from a hiding place in the tall sea grass beween the Sanford residence and her own.

According to Humphreys, the singing would start around midnight and continue off and on through the night, finally giving way to shrill whistles and pained cries near dawn. Sometimes, the shadowy singer would even break out a small Spanish lute or beat his chest with his fists.

“I’m pretty sure it’s the governor trying to apologize for being such a horse’s ass,” says Humphreys.

Such a theory would make perfect sense, according to College of Charleston professor emeritus of adult psychology Carlsson Freudenjung.

“I’m telling you, dude’s got it bad,” Freudenjung said by phone from his office Monday. “You saw the man trying to get back with her at the Nikki Haley thing. I mean damn, bo. You know what I’m saying?”

“Ain’t gonna happen, but that’s what the dude’s doing.”

Whatever Sanford’s motivations, and regardless of his odds at a reconcilliation, the only thing Humphreys wants now is a little peace and quiet.

“I mean, Jenny’s been on book tour since some time before Christmas,” says a clearly irritated Humphreys. “The daggum light don’t even come on. We had to do something or that poor fool would be out there all summer.”

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