Category Archives: Palmetto State Dispatches

Black Mayor Demonstrates Need for Better History Teachers

Mayor Roberts Turns Back The Clock - Click for Video!

Last week the Sons of Confederate Veterans held their national reunion in Anderson, South Carolina. Festivities lasted several days and included a runway fashion show, a debutante ball, a ceremonial rifle shot and a 19th century beard-and-sideburn competition.

The two most talked about events, however, were the brief resurrection of Confederate General Robert E. Lee, who wandered through the auditorium looking for Union sympathizers, and a Slavery Days reenactment by Anderson Mayor Terence Roberts, who spoke glowingly about the importance of appreciating Southern heritage during his opening address to a roomful of creepy old white guys who’d be perfectly happy to see him hanging from a tree.

Attendee Haskell Tompkins, who rode down to the Palmetto State on horseback from his camp in Western North Carolina, gave the Mayor’s speech high marks.

“When I first come in and saw [Mayor Roberts] up there at the microphone I wasn’t sure I was in the right place. I mean, that ain’t what I paid my dues for,” says Tompkins. “But then, by the time he finished, I felt like he was one of us. Or 3/5 one of us, anyways.”

Click here for a slide show courtesy of the Anderson Independent!

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A Mount Pleasant Distraction

Lowcountry Town Receives Meaningless Award

Pretending you’re about to be incinerated in a raging house fire, watching an outdoor screening of a dated 1980s blockbuster about a deformed extra-terrestrial with peanut butter candy breath and then driving your kid home after he busts his skull open falling out of an inflatable jump castle — these were just some of the many thrills experienced by Mount Pleasant residents Saturday as they celebrated the city’s recent designation as an All-American City by the National Civic League.

City officials were unavailable for comment all weekend — probably because they were busy getting their faces painted and wolfing down Dippin’ Dots — but several local residents on hand for the much-ballyhooed event agreed that the upper-middle class town was probably chosen because of its proximity to the Charleston peninisula, Sullivan’s Island and Isle of Palms.

“We actually don’t have a lot going for us except for Shem Creek and that rusty aircraft carrier at Patriot’s Point,” said Darla Dalrymple as she shoved a mustard-streaked corndog down her throat and meanwhile restrained her sugar-hyped seven-year old son Boyd by the collar of his peach-colored golf shirt.

“But we’re near a lot of stuff, so that makes us cool by association,” she added as Boyd finally broke free and darted past the Budweiser truck into the roaring traffic of Coleman Boulevard. “It’s a great place to raise a family, too.”

However, some folks on hand were less enthusiastic about the big event. DeMarcus Washington, who has washed dishes at the Trawler for the past thirty-two years (though he actually lives in a trailer in North Charleston) was moonlighting at an un-air conditioned cart selling elephant ears — and was none too impressed by the achievement.

“I grew up in Florence, South Carolina, and they won one of these dumb things in 1965,” Washington told The Bug as he dumped a bucket of fryer grease into a patch of zoizia that used to be a protected wetland area.

“If you was ever in or around Florence, South Carolina in 1965 — hell, even if you was to go there now — you’d know awards like this here don’t mean jack diddle-squat.”

— Posted by Kara Little

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Dispatches: Wait One Cotton-Pickin’ Minute

Slotnick Showing Off Obama Letter; Officials Praise Invention Known As "God's Tampon"

When Cheraw resident Barbara Davis Slotnick first sent her idea for plugging up the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico to President Obama, a lot of people in the tiny S.C. town laughed. Slotnick’s plan to absorb the flow from the sub-oceanic geyser with “giant bales of cotton” seemed like exactly the kind of crackpot solution that might be dreamt up by a well-intentioned but ultimately kooky retiree with a great deal of spare time on her hands — and lots and lots of “Forever Stamps” just waiting to be afixed to letters to the White House.

Before long, the whole town was having a pretty good laugh — at Slotnick’s expense.

“We call it Slotnick’s Folly,” says Scoot Williams, who manages the local Arby’s. “Or we just been calling it the quicker-picker-upper. You know, like Bounty?”

“Yeah, we call it the quicker-picker-upper,” Williams’ girlfriend Cherie Mewshaw agrees after a long slurp on her large Jamocha shake.

What people like Williams and Mewshaw didn’t realize when the story first broke was that Slotnick’s “crackpot solution” actually came to her in a vision from The Creator Himself.

“Oh it did?” said Mewsha when ‘The Bug’ informed her of Slotnick’s divine vision. After another long, probing slurp with her straw, the 22-year-old mother of nine and devout Southern Baptist reconsidered.

“Well that changes everything,” Mewshaw said as she stuffed a curly fry in her lipstick-sweared maw and began to chew. “What happened? Did he come down like on a cloud or something? Or was it more like a daydream she just kinda had in church? ‘Cause I’ve had those myself.”

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