Lawmakers Oppose Collard Bill

Plan to Honor Leafy Green Deemed Too Controversial, Gross

Turns out, South Carolinians don’t like their collard greens nearly as much as they say they do. Not only that, the addition of pork actually hurts the noxious green’s image more than it helps—at least in the political arena.

Knotts' imperiled collard bill isn't as 'green' as he says it is, according to opponents

Just a week after the South Carolina Senate passed a measure to make the collard the official state leafy green,  the steaming pot of bitter green funk has been pushed to the back burner by members of the House of Representatives still stewing over what they say is a “stealth tactic” cooked up by the bill’s sponsor, Republican Senator Jakie ‘You Are What You Eat’ Knotts of Lexington.

Critics argue Knotts’ bill is actually just a clever way for the Lexington County glutton to sneak more pork into an already bloated state budget. They also call Knotts’ plan “disingenuous” because the Lexington senator doesn’t even like vegetables.

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South Carolina to Get “SuperFiefdoms”

Android Governor Haley brokers Deal with Overlord Retailer

"We come not so much in peace but in the name of everyday low prices made possible by even lower wages." - Walmart Overlord Mortgoth, speaking through a translator.

This week, South Carolina’s android Governor Nikki Haley reached an unprecedented business agreement with intergalactic feudal mega-corporation Walmart — one analysts say could dramatically alter the state’s economy while hearkening back to a simpler time when Earthlings knew their place and capital was routinely siphoned off by the top .0005% of the population before being sent off-planet.

The ambitious multimillion-dollar deal aims to establish a series of “SuperFiefdoms” across the Palmetto State and was announced Thursday by Haley and Walmart CEO Bill Simon at the new S.C. Farmer’s Market.

According to Simon, the deal will bring 30,000 jobs to the Palmetto State, at least two dozen of them in middle management.

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About-Face: Graham Wants bin Laden Headshot

For One SC Senator, DNA and Army Intel Don’t Cut It

On Wednesday, President Barack Obama announced the decision not to release gory photographs of slain Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, citing fears that to do so could seem like “gloating” and might incite retaliation.

Many Washington insiders, including top military brass and ranking members of the intelligence community, agree.

This is NOT a doctored photo.

“Showing these pictures to the world right now, with tensions as high as they are, would be like if we tortured a suspected terrorist or prisoner of war and pictures of that somehow leaked out,” one loose-lipped but largely uninformed CIA operative told The Bug via email early Thursday morning. “Not only is it in bad taste, it could also really piss some people off.”

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, however, believes the photos of bin Laden’s obliterated face should be released, and stopped just short of calling the President a sissy.

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ATV Riders Face Bumps at Every Turn

Tougher Laws, Higher Gas Prices Put Brakes on Good Times

New ATV legislation upends good family fun in the Palmetto State.

Just when you thought it was safe to strap your toddler on the back of your Yamaha Raptor 250 and race him down a muddy 60-foot embankment with no training, no helmet, no goggles and very little in the way of adult supervision, along come the Big Government killjoys to get in your business.

New legislation banning children five and younger from riding ATVs–and requiring older children to wear a helmet unless they are hunting or are on private property under the direct supervision of a parent or guardian — passed the South Carolina House last week, promising to make this summer something of an off-road bummer for child safety opponents like Scott Balz, of Pelion.

While some in the media and at the Statehouse are calling the new ATV legislation “watered down,” because it doesn’t really protect anybody from anything, Balz believes any legislation is too much legislation—especially if it infringes on his rights as a property owner, loving father and gas-powered outdoorsman.

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Club Laugh

Name: Amy Young

Setting: Outside Group Therapy

Photo and Interview by Nobody Special

What’s the dumbest question I could ask you right now?

‘What are you drinking?’

Scotch and soda, but we’re talking about you. I see you’ve got a Corona.

 It’s cheap and it helps me burp. I had Taco Bell. I’m going with a Mexican theme tonight. Is this going in the paper or something?

Yeah, in the Palmetto Bug. It’s filler for when we run out of news. It’s usually just a bunch of stupid, unrelated questions, one after the other. Your answers can be just as stupid, if you want. Or even stupider.

 Gotcha. Like in Free Times.

Exactly. Have you ever eaten anything on a dare?

Like what? I once ate a really hot chicken wing. It was insane. Does that count?

It doesn’t matter. Sure. Do you like Steely Dan?

 What’s that?

What about Aretha Franklin?

Who?

Are you into anything kinky, like Glen Beck or Innovista or masturbating to the Rant & Rave section?

I love Rant & Rave. That shit’s funny.

Is it as funny as Two and a Half Men?

Funnier.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen?

Two and a Half Men. Or maybe that other one, the cartoon with the guy who has balls for a chin.

Did you finish your sophomore year of high school?

I graduated from the University of South Carolina three years ago. I majored in hospitality and tourism.

That’s not what I asked.

Isn’t it?

Can I see your ID please?

Sorry. I left it in my best friend’s locker.

Is she around?

No, she’s grounded.

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Monterrey’s Ordered to be Less Authentic

Immigration deputies want to have their refried beans and deport them, too.

Mexican Food has never been a specialty of the Monterrey’s Mexican Restaurant chain. Now, in the wake of a nine-month investigation by the South Carolina Department of Labor, the burritos and chimichangas served at at least one restaurant in the chain—the Monterrey’s on Killian Road in Northeast Richland County—are about to become even less authentic.

The chain’s official corporate policy is to employ Mexican workers when possible to prepare its pseudo-Mexican fare, but the Northeast Columbia location took the quest for authenticity a step too far and was cited Thursday with violating the state’s illegal immigration law, according to a report in today’s Daily Coupon Circular.

“We knew something was up the minute we came in,” said labor department immigration deputy Larry Whiteman. “I could smell it in the air – these [people] weren’t serving up your average gringo tacos.”

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Amazon Moving On; Wal-Mart to Live Another Day

BOX CONTAINS 1200 JOBS: HANDLE WITH CARE

Online retailer Amazon probably won’t be coming to Cayce after all – and that’s great news to local retailers like Wal-Mart and Toys-R-Us.

During former Governor Mark Sanford’s administration, Amazon had been promised a special exemption from sales tax collection and a free site near I-77 on which a one million square foot distribution center is currently under construction. In exchange, the company pledged to bring 1,249 high-paying jobs to the Midlands and to create a free wi-fi zone that would stretch from the proposed center to the Zesto cone in Triangle City.

Following a 71-47 vote against the tax incentive in the South Carolina House of Representatives, however, Amazon has decided it would prefer to locate in one of the other 49 states in the Union, all of which are reportedly interested in working with the company, according to sources familiar with the nature of capitalism.

“Hell yes we’ll take it,” said Bernie Bugler, head of the Charlotte-based economic development agency South Carolina’s Loss, North Carolina’s Gain.

“Jobs are jobs,” said Bugler. “Not only that, they’re promising jobs.”

Of course, opponents of the Amazon deal here in the Midlands saw the proposed tax break differently—as a potential blow to local businesses. Tea Party activist and former Lexington County councilman Don Treadamay, one of a few dozen protesters who lined up outside the Statehouse this week dangling Lipton teabags from their testicles in protest of the proposed deal, described his stance as one of principle.

“I love capitalism,” Treadamay told The Bug following Wednesday’s anti-Amazon rally. “I love shopping. I love a good sale. I love filling up the spare bedrooms of my Red Bank town house with the exact same worthless plastic garbage you can find for cheap on Amazon. But at the end of the day, when you look at the big picture, we’ve got to support our local businesses.”

“I mean, how the heck is my local Wal-Mart or the Toys-R-Us where my grandkids shop supposed to compete with some national mega-retailer like Amazon?” Treadamay asked to a chorus of cheers from his fellow Teabaggers. “If we don’t send a message now, we stand to lose more than a few hundred jobs. We stand to lose our entire way of life.”

-by Frank Lee

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